Faceless Blog

As I go over old emails, chat logs and my sister’s daily updates from early in my fight against cancer, it’s strange to me how many times my memory doesn’t match up with the actual events.

Sure, there are the occasional things that I’ve forgotten over time…how many times they had to stick me to give me the IV contrast for my first CAT scan, the fact that I was awake for several days that I don’t recall in the ICU, etc.  However, it’s the little inconsistencies that surprise me, things that I was sure I remembered correctly, etched into my brain, that turned out to be wrong.

I swear I remember, clear as a bell, my doctor (upon feeling my tumor for the first time) telling me to just start driving down to the hospital and they would be ready for me by the time I got there.  That’s the kind of urgency that I remember.  In reality, while they were trying to schedule me ASAP, I didn’t make it in to the hospital for my CAT scan until the next day.  My memory, I’m sure, is based on the sense of urgency that I got from my doctor and his nurses, as well as my own hindsight, knowing how serious it was.  Truth is, at the time, I wasn’t terribly worried about it.  I knew it was something worth worrying about, and I was worried…but only as much as someone going in for a routine test.  I certainly had no idea what was coming.